The Hurths are a nice family. Jordy has done well for himself, a lot better than me.
        His daughter, Emily, just turned four, and she looks just like her mother, who is shedding
the baby-weight off quickly. Their newborn baby boy is a healthy six-months-old, born on
December seventeenth, presumably in the middle of the night. Every morning Jordy and Payton
wake up at six thirty, wake up Emily, and get ready for the day. They eat breakfast, shower, and
change into presentable clothes like normal families do. Jordy always looks dapper walking to
his car in the morning, always wearing slacks and dress shirts and polished shoes. Every morning
Emily gives daddy a big hug before he hops in his Range Rover and drives into the city.
        How did my life get to this point?
        Why does Jordy get the trophy wife and glowing children, and I get nothing?
        We were even close friends at one point, but we had a rift back in eighth grade when
Jordy met his first girlfriend.
        High school came and went.
        Then college.
        Now Jordy has a family.
        And I'm here, stuck on the outside looking in.
        I get out of my tree and walk to the gas station, where I pay for a bottle of water, a Pop-
tart, and a bottle of Nyquil. My bones feel like they are made of paper and my skin is sallow.
        I need to take a shit, but I'm holding it. Because today is the day I get even.
        I go back to my tree and guzzle the bottle of Nyquil. It tastes like black liquorice, and
suddenly I have no appetite for my Pop-tart. I see that both Jordy and Payton's cars are gone and
that means their house is empty, so I make my move.

        I slink off the tree and sprint for a basement window. I slide off a glass plate and drop
beneath ground level, smashing in the window until I'm safely in the basement.
        Now I'm in.
        The basement smells mildewy and it's dark down here. I thought there would be a pool
table or a bar or something, but there's really nothing.
        A funnel of light catches my eye. I work my way towards the stairs, but my perception of
gravity is all distorted. Using the wall for help, I climb to the middle level.
        Sunlight pierces my eyes as an orange cat thumps away from me. I'm smelling berry
Glade and touching soft carpet as I make my way up to the master bedroom. Jordy's bedroom,
where Payton sleeps.
        The duvet is heavenly white. Everything about the mattress looks fluffy, and everything
about the bedroom is clean.
        I gravitate towards their closets. Both of them have walk-in closets, and it's clear whose is
whose. My heart starts racing like a triple crown pony, and I realize I'm sweating profusely. I
find Payton's dirty laundry hamper and crumple to my knees, dig elbow deep in it and unbury
fabrics and yoga pants and panties.
        I stuff my face in them and smell them until I need to catch my breath.
        Strong waves coming in right now…high tides.
        Put the laundry back in the hamper and go to the baby's room. There's a thunk
downstairs. I surmise it's just the cat.
        The first door I try down the hall is an office, and the next door is what must be Emily's
room. I locate a bathroom, so that can only leave one room…
        Sunlight pours into the baby's room. The crib is white, but it looks golden in the light.

        I drop my shorts and step out of them. In one fell swoop I try to squat over the crib and it
crashes beneath me, wood imploding as I collapse to the ground. I catch a sharp poke in my leg,
but I hardly feel it.
        I get on my feet all wobbly. My hair is plastered with sweat, stinging my eyes, and my
stomach's a hot swirl. I keep hearing that cat thump around the house.
        Squatting over the remnants of the crib, I explode diarrhea all over it and my gut feels
instant relief. A warm happiness floods my insides, and suddenly I can't stop laughing.
        I pick up my shorts and slide them on, sprint down the hall and down the stairs, rush out
the front door laughing hysterically.
        I amble aimlessly through the neighborhood for a few hours on a high, relaying the
events in my head.
        Eventually my senses start to simmer down while the heat from the sun climbs.
        I go to the gas station to buy another bottle of Nyquil and take it back to my tree, wait for
Payton and the baby to come home.